Ramblings of the Night

It is now 12:45 AM and I can't fall asleep, scratch that, I haven't been able to fall asleep the last few weeks, and I know exactly why......

Her.

She's all I think about. I've tried to find a distraction, any distraction that will move my mind away from her, even for a second but nothing has worked. Playing Halo, working on stuff for theater, playing on my guitar (which I've barely touched in a year), nothing works! What's wrong with me? Why can't I let go? Why is it that when my body finally collapses from the mental exhaustion of fighting to get her out of my head and I plunge into the scasm of sleep , she's always there. She's always talking to me. She's always crying. And she always chooses someone else. I wake up, my heart beating, my eyes crying, my body drenched in nervous sweat.
It shouldn't be this hard but it is. I invested so much into her that when I tried to reach out and find what I put in, it had dissipated into nothing but friendship, and one that has gotten shallower ever since.

I was friends with her prior to all of this and I'll admit that I was at first pushed into liking her when she was cast into the female counter-role for my character in theater....but....I kept good on a promise I made to her and told her that I was beginning to like her more than just as a friend. I never expected the her to say "I like you to"......but she did, as well also a warning that she messes things up (relationships wise) and not to get to involved with her, I didn't care about the warning, I was rapped up in the fact that she liked me! Me of all people!
Before and during this time I was going through a nasty situation (but that is another story for another time) and she was a constant source of hope for me. This hope came to a climatic midline the night of February 28. I was a wreck. I was out of town for a school UIL competition and I was really depressed and was to the point of crying (but I didn't because there were 3 other guys in the room) so I decide to try to go to sleep but couldn't (sounds familiar....) so I decide to text and talk to her (most of my messages were about how horrible I was and the like) I told her that I wasn't worthy of her and she said something to me that I desperately needed to hear; "I like you, and it's my choice to pursue you".
After that I had no problem with what I wanted to do, I was going to have her and give all that I was to her, not sexually (I'm very stubborn with my values), but mentally and to a limited extent physicly.
But oh how much of this failed in a dramatic and hurtful way......

It's now 1:28 AM and I'm going to once again try to get some sleep so I shall continue this post later (but most likely not immediately). Let us hope for better days and more than and hour of colective sleep!