Might as well finish what I started
After I came back from the DECA competition (we didn't win, we almost had it), she was all I could think about. I kept asking myself "She said she wanted me?" I had to keep reading the message over and over to believe it, I even saved it into a folder on my phone to make sure I wasn't fooling myself and to dash all my fears that she hadn't said it.
The next few weeks were great. I was able to fix and push past one of the most problematic situations in my short 17 of life (with her help of course), her and I began to talk more openly and more often, and she had been put as my female counterpart in the OAP that we were performing for theater. Everyday after school I was able to hold her in my arms and me in hers when we ran through our scenes in the play. I remember constantly fighting not to break character because “I” kept thinking rather than my character “Eugene”. We had to kiss several times during this play as well, but as much as much as I loved it, I didn’t want to make her feel like we were rushing in to anything (though the play kind of knocked most of those barriers out of the park). I felt more connected to her (she even told me, during a scene were I hold her, that she couldn’t hear anything but my racing heart, it was beating so fast and deap) than I had anyone ever before in my life (and still am if I really think about it). Good times……good times…….
But sadly life has a funny habit of taking away that which you desire the most.
Spring break came and oh did it come. We were suppose to go to Lazer Quest with the theater troupe, to make a long story short only 4 of us hung out and it was at Crocodile Gap (a fun Jack-of-all-trades place) and of course she was there! We played mini-gulf, rode go-carts, I got to talk to some of her family (her mom is the scariest women I have ever met), and then I had to drive all of them home (why is it that Kevin always does the stupidest stuff in my car?).
We all went over to Laurels (that makes 4) to watch Sweeney Todd (good movie I might add), I sat next to her, and it took me over an hour to build up the courage but frack I reached out and held her hand, but the best part, is that she held back! She looked at me and smiled causing me to smile back, she turned back to the movie to watch it but I didn’t notice the last 20 minutes, my eyes were fixed on her. My day was complete. I felt alive, full of energy, and I couldn’t stop looking at her. When she left I took Kevin somewhere to eat (where we talked about “her” of course), took him home, and sung with the radio on my way back to my home.
The next day we had practice (and the rest of spring break for that matter…) and I noticed she was stiffer to me. Couldn’t look me in the eye in our scenes. And was colder to me than before. I asked her what was wrong and she said…..
"So, i don't know what's happened this past week, but somethings....idk, changed with me. The way I see you. I have a crush on you still, but..it's definitely not as strong as before, and /unlike/ before...I don't really see this going anywhere. It might just be the mood I'm in...but I don't know. I just wanted to let you know."
It wasn’t the mood. She started letting go. And I never wanted to.
Over the next few weeks she started to smile at me less, hung around me less, and reverted back to the way we were. I respected her decision for a time but it was torture for her to, as the cliché saying goes, “Se close and yet so far”. So I start to get less and less happiness and more and more despair. She kept saying the former quote but nothing in depth, all of it was generalizations……She told me recently what happened but I’d rather not talk about it at this time, though I am thankful that she still trust me enough to discuss her feelings (whether about me or not). It went like this for awhile, she telling me not to like her because she would hurt me in the end, and me falling more and more towards me loving her……
Then we get to the night we all had been waiting for, OAP competition
The tensions were high, and the air tasted nervous, and to top it all of; we were the first to go. We put on the best show we had ever done (and the best to date), everything was perfect. The audience was into it, the cast was synced and exactly aligned, and her and I were able to make our scenes perfect and emotional. After the performance we got dressed up in snazzy cloths (I looked quite handsome, if you ask me that is) and when I walked back into the room that our school was assigned I saw her….I the most amazing dress I had ever seen. I had to sit down and hit my head on a table to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. I wasn’t, she was there, she was sitting next to me, and she looked like she was something from heaven (dramatic hu?)
Well we went to go watch all of the other plays and as fate would have it, she sat right next to me. I thought “hey she isn’t acting like she has been towards me….maybe she still likes me and got over whatever else it was that was bothering her” and I made that decision that I was going to hold her hand again. Well I again must gather my courage to reach for her hand, but I started to not persevere, I thought to myself “what if she doesn’t like me and realized it, and that’s why she’s so open now?” and I started to lose my nerve and decided not to reach for her hand. But during the last play, one of the main characters said something that changed my mind “We might as well try because we’ll do if we don’t, and if we fail then it makes no difference” so I decided that that’s the same with me and I though “Let’s do it!” I reached out my hand over the armrest and put it on her hand. I felt a moment of triumph but it quickly turned to confusion and then a crushing sadness.....
She didn't hold my hand back.
My beating heart stopped in a flash of despair, my mind raced for an answer as to why, and my body shivered with the bare, gut feeling of defeat. I knew that this was what I needed to get over her but I didn't care....I felt the tenseness in her hand and decided to withdraw mine before it became worse. But it was already too late for me......I was out of it for the rest of the night, even when they called my name for an award, it took Mark shaking me to get me out of my stupor and walk on stage to accept it. After we lost the competition, everyone went to Ihop (including myself, though I was still a wreck) and she sat next to me when a friend who graduated came to eat with us…..I left crying and I couldn’t see the road I had some many tears in my eyes…..
I’ll finish this post later, I’m starting to…..never mind….have a good day (or what ever’s left of it……)
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