My Final Ramblings of the Night (hopefully)

Well I don't feel like talking much about my day but rather a specific topic.

I am fighting what I hope to be my last battle for, as I've dubbed, my "Independence Day". I'm fighting to get over Tia ("her" if you didn't make the connection), and I'm getting very far actually, I'm just worn out and tired. I've gone through so many memories, so many emotions, and so much.......love and hate, that it's very hard at times to figure out what the frack went wrong. But I have been able to come to some very solid facts.

1. She liked me.
A. I don't know for how long but I do know that she did
B. Somewhere it just stopped for her....and I still don't know for sure
2. I like her (hopefully this will become past tense soon enough)
A. I can actually remember the first time I met her
a. Which I never remember the first time I met someone except on two occasions and I can relate my relationships within the same spectrum as this.
B. I have this overwhelming desire to help her.
a. This is generally a good thing but it does make me a bit of a tyrant when she comes to me for advice.
b. This need to help also hurts me, and this is going to sound selfish, because I stop thinking less and less about me and more and more about her,
3. I hurt more than I can describe at trying to move past her.
A. My friends have noticed my sadness (which I try to not refer my emotions to everyone)
z. (Oh and Mark when you decided to bring this up, right when you were getting out of my car, think a bit, was that really the best time to bring it up?)
B. This is effecting me to such an extent mentally that it's affecting me physically.
a. I am running a temp of 100.3 (I almost never get sick),
C. She's the one that ran away
a. I think that is what hurts me the most

I still don't get what happened.....one week we were fine then the next she tells me I've "Grown apart from her". What the frack is that suppose to mean? I asked and asked and tried to figure out what she meant but to no avail. She didn't give me anything. That's just like saying "I like you but it's not going to work because of something that I can't put my finger on, but trust me it is enough to ruin it." How can I accept that? Could any of you?

I'm done torturing myself, I'm not saying that I don't want to be her friend because I still do. I cherish what we have, we've always been totally honest and open (which has it's down falls of course, but she is the person I trust the most in this world) But in order for me to kill this connection that tortures me, I must kill apart of myself, the part that loves her, the part that's begging to live.

But I have to kill it.........