1st Mega-Post

Well today is my "Independence Day". It's the day I have been despising and wanting. It's the day that I am freed but at a price that I never wanted to pay. But it has not brought the relief that I had prayed it would. I feel like a country that won the war, but is so ruined physically, mentally, and psychologically, that I might as well lost it. I'm basically a war-ravaged and ruined country that's to exhausted to rebuild itself to its former glory.

On a brighter note, I've figured out what fuels the fires of my muse: Despair. This may sound emo but it's not meant to be. I've almost finish my ESSSSOC II post, written 6 more pages for my books (yes I said books, I'll explain later into the post) and wrote some other things for the cause of this "despair". And this has helped clarify my sadness, or at least, it's helped to sooth me.

Just tonight
I was scared but once I thought about, I let it go
Everything she said to me I guess I ought to know
We're all tired talk when it comes to shove
Put up, put out or stay at home.
We'll never be the same, never feel this way again
I'd give you anything but you want pain.
A little water please, I taste you all over my teeth
Never again. Just tonight? Ok
All at once the music stopped, the feeling went away
An ugly picture, me and you, but nothing I can change
You know what happens with the lights back on
The less you know the more you want, you want, you want
We'll never be the same, never feel this way again
I'd give you anything but you want pain.
A little water please, I taste you all over my teeth
Never again. Just tonight? Ok

I just feel so tired of it all......I've tried to escape it so that I can face the prospects of rebuilding but I can't seem to get away, it always comes back screaming for me. What's worse is that I can feel another war for my soul building. Hope will always creep back in to fight Despair, and Despair will always creep back in to fight Hope. They both appeal so much at opposite times that I'm starting to lose faith in both, but then what else is there to go for? Love? No, I'm done with love for now. True it did bring some of the greatest moment that I can remember, but it's brought me into, what seems like, an Abysmal situation. Hate? No, I've seen what hate will turn people into. No matter how appealing its call is to me, I will not be that monster again. NEVER AGAIN. What else is there?
I need a cause to devote myself to know that I've killed mine. Maybe I should just put up a sign that says "Cause Wanted", then again, maybe they would be to afraid because I killed the last one......*sigh*. I've contemplated band as my cause, but I'm not sure I want to give my all to band and have it stepped on and thrown around again. Theater would be a good choice, but then again, theater was the catalyst for my pain right now. I could go with the "job" I have now (can't get into specifics. Maybe that summer job that my parents have forced me into will do me some good here......

Well on another bright note, I went to the Belles spring show and I've got to say that I enjoyed it. I went because I got caught in a verbal trap (lol) between my good friend Raechel and Tia (I'll get into that story another time). It was actually a mix of dances from the Belles, Golden Stars, Belles "bodygaurds" (I never knew that vincent could dance in parachut pants, who knew?), hiphop dance crews, and Hali, who is another friend of mine, singing (great I might add).

Well I'm going to be heading off, SNL is on, and I'm starting to get emotional again.